it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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