I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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