we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
