She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
