My friends, they love my intelligence
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Randomize
