your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
