This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
only you would photoshop your dick
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
whose parrot is this?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
