i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
