i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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