So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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