I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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