your parents love me but you hate me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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