you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
