I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
