Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
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Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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