JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
farters have to be the big spoon...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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