2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.