please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
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Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
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What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson