cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
