I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
