so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
