i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
