she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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