can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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