the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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