you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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