i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
