Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
