im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
