Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
