when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
