Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
