just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
