I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
