Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
