Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
