Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
