great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
