Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
