My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh god it's open bar.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
