This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
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I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.