You can't special order awesome
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
