So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
