I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
