i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
