Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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