there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
