My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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