i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
