why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
