I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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