just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
