just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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