My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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