Your mouth is God's brothel.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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