Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
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He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
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I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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