She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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