No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
