My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
