just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
