He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
