Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
