so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
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I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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