guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
